Montages: New Composites in Arts Inquiries

In the creative world, time and time again, I’ve heard other artists and creators declare that a task to accomplish is about the process and not the result. Yet, through the journey I am now taking in higher education, the results are very important. There’s not only a grade that will be given on an assignment, but when research is conducted, the results of the research are important for furthering my own career as well as the field as a whole. Accordingly, while engaging in the creative processes that underly accomplishing the assignments at hand, there has been a need to strike a balance where I need to relish in the process to understand my development, but also to push myself to the finish line and create results that I feel represent my perspective and represent the best work I am capable of. The pieces I created represent this balancing act. The process of creating the pieces was new and exciting and enriching, but the content of the language I chose reflects the difficulty of accomplishing the goals I’ve set out to succeed at. These pieces are a representation of the various interwoven components of my developing researcher identity. They reflect the transformation of my insecurities, anxiety, strengths, and curiosity. In addition to a stronger sense of self and an increased desire to create. They are a representation of my personal voice, which fostered a deeper understanding of my artist, therapist, and scholar identity.  

Improving my adaptability has been my focus for the last couple years. I have been working on expanding my capacity to handle change and remaining grounded when faced with new challenges and situations. As I engaged in watercolor this year to creatively represent emotions with luminosity, vibrancy, and translucency, I reflected on how I can overcome many challenges I would encounter as a researcher. The first artwork I created represent the importance of home which can provide a sense of strong security and protect one from the vagaries of life. Home can provide escape from the difficulties and intrusiveness of the world. It can also provide a sense of belonging that one needs to establish strong connections with others. A sense of home can manifest in various ways, but it certainly contributes to a positive well-being, which is necessary when trying to thrive amidst challenges. The second artwork represents the importance of observation which was a major aspect of this creative process. Carefully observing the object and being aware of my feelings at present guided me to look into what is taking space in my mind, what is affecting me, and what my perceptions of emotions are. My active willingness to be present in heavy emotions as I observe and duplicate the object on my watercolor pad and seeing it come to life led to an acceptance and relief as well. As I continue to go deeper into observation in art and research, I believe I can utilize uncertainty to foster growth and find balance in aspects of life as a clinician, researcher, and a scholar. The third artwork represents complex emotions that may be difficult to express through words. Through this process, I reflected on the importance of being transparent and communicating clearly as a researcher—knowing and stating who I am, where I come from, and what I am feeling—throughout the research journey.

Art has been a personal way for me to connect and dive inward for many years. I feel nourished by spending time quietly and introspectively paying attention to my own responses to artwork. I often learn more about myself by noticing the way I react to an art supply. Listening to the way my mind and body subtly respond to the different techniques and textures. Yet clay has been a quicker and deeper teacher than any other supply or process I have worked with before. 

My intention this year was to pay attention to my breath while learning how to throw pottery on a wheel. I paid attention to the containers I was making and how I felt while making them. Noticing when both my breath and the wheel were aligned versus when I faltered, and things came undone. Learning to be a beginner again both in pottery and in school. Many similarities showed up on both sides. I learned to be gentle, to fail humbly, and remember it is just art and begin again.  

The five pieces that were chosen for this show were not picked based on beauty. The clay containers were chosen based on the lessons that were learned. Lessons learned through making mistakes. Lessons learned through knowing more about the process of firing and clay. Lessons learned through noticing. And lastly, lessons learned through the vulnerable process of failing multiple times over a year while trying something new in a room full of advanced practitioners. 

I have long struggled with issues around my body image and confidence. I have often hesitated to make myself apparent in any environments outside of academia, for fear of being rejected or shamed. The concept of exploring how I take up space was two-fold- it was exploring the physicality of how I exist in space as a body, and how I emotionally take up space for my needs and wants. 

In the midst of the academic year, I was forced into moving abruptly due to circumstances beyond my control. While working on my being in space lost its footing during the period where I had no space of my own, I found that this metaphor has allowed me to be more forgiving towards myself and accepting of what is in the present moment. My artwork has reflected this state of constant motion, but rather than focus on said movement, I have chosen to highlight moments of stillness. 

Space an both be limitless and constricting. It is not something that based on how much or little of it that I take up does not speak to my worth. I am worthy of the spaces I take up, inhabit, and foster. The space I need for myself is the space I aim to provide others with in my personal and professional lives. 

The following art pieces are intended to share with you my most recent journey as I unpack my new literal space. I want to go about each day as a new space to exist in, where I let nature take it’s course and allow the process to guide me, rather than try to guide it. I look forward to my creations in my new home and how I will get to rebuild from the ground-up, literally. 

Throughout my artistic journey this year, I have been guided by the memory traces of paint on paper and the shapes and patterns that emerge as I unfold the painted paper. This process has allowed me to uncover repeated shapes and patterns that reveal personal themes and an exploration of identity construction, which is paved with glimpses of views, impactful fragments, and continuous unfolding. 

The image of the little origami boat encapsulates various concepts, from childhood memories and constant movement to seaside experiences and early artistic endeavors. It serves as a metaphor for my exploration of memories and meaning represented by shapes and patterns. 

In my videos, I incorporate music that references my childhood soundtrack, emphasizing the firsthand experiences that have shaped my personal and professional perspectives and highlighting the links between past and present.

Creativity, to me, is the act of redefining a norm into something innovative, unique, novel, or original. This requires flexibility and adaptability to envision and redefine possibilities, and to reframe and reshape tangible fixtures and concepts through a unique perspective. Art making is a vehicle for a deeper way of knowing, comfort, resolution, and discovery. Relying on my personal art history with pottery, I delved into reconnecting with clay work while seeking clues from my personal family and ancestral origins to discover what fueled my desire to create art in this way. I wondered if this inquiry might illuminate my scholarly and research interests to guide me to clarity. My doctoral pursuit reflects my desire to assert creativity and innovation for new or stronger thoughts and outcomes to contribute to the development of knowledge. In this art-based exploration, I began at the doorway of obscurity and vagueness. Struggling to articulate my initial art intention and my initial intention for research, I embraced the ambiguity and placed the emphasis on engaging in my art process.  

I began by exploring my own family ancestry with predominant German and Polish roots. I opted to be inspired by the pottery histories of these countries to make tangible representations of aspects of my family roots and to discover how the journey has manifested into my present. Through an accompanying regular drawing process, I more fully embraced spontaneous imagery and various symbols that emerged uncovered unconscious material illuminating the presence of Mephistopheles, a symbol of the shadow self. I likened this to what is unknown and unseen, but slowly coming into focus, much like my process to clarify my research intentions in this program. I came to understand the alchemical and transformative processes at work. The artwork serves as my exploration into symbols, patterns, and forms that became meaningful, and reflect my deep curiosities. The patterns evident throughout these pieces connect them as a collection. I am seeking a deeper understanding of the mechanisms in art making and art therapy that bring about transformation and growth through an examination of the neurological and physiological implications of art making on the creator.

I have always been fascinated by the concept of time and its impact on the world around me. In particular, I am drawn to the idea of transience and mortality and the ways in which these themes intersect with our purpose in life. Time Series used melting ice as a medium to explore these complex concepts and their relationship to the passage of time. In research, time series is a statistical tool used to analyze data that is collected over time to identify patterns and trends in the data to understand the relationship between variables. Ice is inherently fragile and temporal, existing only for a brief moment before melting away, leaving behind a mere memory of its existence. Recording the processes using a timelapse allowed me to capture a moment in time before the art medium inevitably disappears. 

The fleeting nature of ice conveys both a sense of urgency and impermanence. Each video is a physical representation of the passage of time and serves as a reminder that nothing lasts forever. At the same time, it embodies a celebration of the beauty that can be found in the fleeting moments of life. As a therapist-researcher, I am informed by my artistic practice and approach my professional work with a similar sense of urgency, seeking to discover knowledge that can have a lasting impact on my community.  

Through the art process, I reflected on my own mortality and considered the legacy I want to leave behind. I hope to create a sense of wonder and contemplation through the Time Series, encouraging people to live their lives to the fullest while also recognizing the impermanence of all things. What would you do differently knowing that not every second holds the same worth? 

Approaching this project, I was unsure of my initial direction as art generally feels uncomfortable. I experienced a bridge in residency through the experience of dialogue, music, and 3D braiding. This experiential led me to the direction I chose to explore throughout the year, working on exploring and discovering the boundaries and connections to be had in the triad between an image, the imagery music can provide, and the translation of that image out of someone’s mind into a piece of art. Each month I selected an image or a song; depending on what came first, I created an image to music or matched music to an image. From the dialogue between the image and music, a 3D braid was created with various conventional and non-conventional materials.  The triad idea felt right in this work as I explored the boundaries of the student, researcher, clinician triad and parent, self, and spouse triad in my Ph.D. work. In truth, I discovered many triads in the process of this work, and while I cannot list them all here, they all served a valuable purpose in my explorations. Braiding was a physical task that helped me focus, learn to slow down, problem solve, shift directions, and explore and safely contain difficult emotions.   

I have presented each braid here for you, broken into three sections: Surface Connections, Deeper Emotions, and Re-Integration. These three levels mirror the Guided Music and Imagery- Continuum Method training levels I completed alongside this sustained studio practice. While this was unexpected in the moment, it made perfect sense in hindsight, as I used the music and imagery to make connections, explore deeper boundaries, and integrate the two together.  

I have presented the starting work in a photo, as it feels particularly significant. This photo is followed by a video with the three Surface Connection Braids, a video with the Deeper Emotions braids, and a video with the two Re-Integration braids. I have also included a video with all 9 braids completed throughout the year. On each board, you will see the image, a QR code with the song used, and the braid. Please pause each video and scan the code to hear the music as you view the work, in order to gain the full experience. The videos have no sound and are simply to show the scope of the work. All images were either drawn by myself or sourced from open-access forums.

Transience is a state of being, a temporal experience of passing in and out of existence. For me, it represents the ways in which I move through the world as a sexually racially and gender minoritized person, at times unseen or erased. In this collection, changing place: an exploration of transience, this concept also amplifies creativity during major life transitions. Although I did not originally plan to examine this theme for my project it quickly felt like the most authentic path forward considering my own personal and professional upturns. As Octavia Butler’s posits, “the only constant is change.” Through a series of artistic processes, I explored my relationship to transience as Black queer non-binary artist-scholar. I considered what I might create in a transient state and what helps me to find my ground. These experiences gave rise to considerations of meaning as it relates to ancestral memory and my own lineages as a descendant of African diasporic people who went through the Transatlantic Slave Trade/Middle Passage, slavery in America, segregation, police brutality, among other injustices and their legacies. Some found escape routes along the Underground Railroad to attain freedom. In this spirit, transience then is also a powerful act of liberatory courage. Similarly, my doctoral work has been a practice in justice-seeking and embracing new pathways of inquiry and expression.  

A musician and composer by training, I endeavored to stretch myself beyond these modalities towards experimentation. The use of photographs, found sounds, video, and poetry, specifically Japanese haikus, provided raw materials from which I could work. These materials, gathered over the last six months, were combined to develop mixed media sound collages. I also created a “trainscape” (train-themed soundscape) drawing from field recordings and pre-recorded drum loops. Overall, this project makes primary use of sound-based art and surrealist photography to underscore the influx-ness of living and being as a minoritized/celebrated body.  

"Bridge" Mixed Media Collage 1 

Haiku no. 3 

pieces of gravel  
beneath my feet as I walk 
across the blue bridge.  

"Bloom / Black Ice" Mixed Media Collage 2 

Haiku no. 5

cold hearts warm beanies 
seeking soft places to land 
trippin’ on black ice. 

Haiku no. 7

we met as black seeds  
then we became pink orchids  
springing from white moss  

"Searching" Mixed Media Collage 3 

Haiku no. 9 

a darkness and light 
prismatic body in frame 
refracted by time 

A creative exploration of how to define rhythm and how it is used as a mechanism of change across the creative arts therapies led to a discovery of rhythm’s fundamental place in the human experience. The process started with looking at ways to engage with rhythm through different modalities. This led to an awakening that rhythm is everywhere. Our very existence begins with a rhythmic act that creates life. Life that is defined by the steady rhythm of our heartbeat;  the rhythmic connections with others, the planet, and nature’s cycles.  

My exploration of rhythm included immersing myself in rhythmic experiences.  Listening closely to the rhythm of different instruments in a band, or the overall musicality of how rhythm impacted the meaning for the participant.  Hearing the film score differently because I was focused on the rhythms and how it impacted the mood of each scene. Watching a production of Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night Dream and how the iambic pentameter adds to the meaning of the text. During the immersive experiences, I would pay attention to my breath, heart rate, body sensations, affect, and thoughts.  This processed led me to notice the changes in my physiology, affect and cognitions from each experience. 

Along with the immersive experiences, I also engaged in using rhythm and creating rhythm.  Ballroom dancing, hand drums, bilateral drawing, piano playing, running, and poetry were used for exploration. The process enhanced my understanding of how changes in rhythm change the outcome and meaning.  This translated into a deeper understanding of how we all have foundational rhythms in our lives.  These rhythms are relationships, day to day habits, cognitions, and how we respond.  When these foundational rhythms are interrupted or ruptured, we are forced to reorganize and create a new foundational rhythm.  

The video is a symbol of my experiences over the last two semesters.  Running became a way to reconnect with my foundational rhythms after I had a personal rupture in a foundational relationship.  My experiences exploring rhythm in varied contexts helped with my personal journey of reorganizing and defining my own foundational rhythms.  

My scholarly exploration, personal experiences, and therapeutic work with rhythm this year have expanded my awareness of the core construct of rhythm in the creative arts therapies. 

The apprenticeship with the arts was a non-linear discovery of the hand-head-heart connection.  

My yearlong art engagement started “head-strong”, twisted, and turned into a deep wondering about family history and the arts; familiarity and creative block; in-betweenness and nuances; perception and reality which all inspired epistemological and ontological inquiries in the Ph.D. freshmen year.  

Visual chases of trees, roots, skies, and all possible nature details were central themes in my photography. Color and monochrome were lessons of perception and perspectives while wide and close-up shots were sources of grand and interstitial details and nuances. The ecological-environmental interaction through a bright-and-dark lens surprised me with clarity of details. Images of trees and roots urged a search into my fraternal grandfather’s calligrapher past and my maternal grandmother’s culinary creativity and geniuses. The photographic details from black-and-white perception furthered curiosity and exploration in the Chinese calligraphy practice that exemplified reconnection with ancestry, genealogy, and heritage. What knowledge could the origin stories of my current research topic of interest: burnout and telehealth reveal? Where could I look for details, a wide and/or close-up view? In the open or in-between space? What could nuance unveil?  

Music, a taken-for-granted modality, stagnated my apprenticeship with a creative impasse by challenging my comfort in familiarity. Could moments of confusion or stagnation motivate more research actions? Playing J. S. Bach’s unaccompanied cello suites reminded me that I was accompanied by family and loved ones on this Ph.D. journey all along. How could life and research intertwine? 

Pottery “pivoted” my apprenticeship focus to creating with my hands. The epiphany elicited an “awakening” of everyday creativity; an urgency to repair and restudy the cello; embracing impatience and imperfection and gradual cultivation of “taking things into my own hands” with creativity. Could one way of interacting with knowledge generate other ways in the research process? How could everyday creativity, knowledge and wisdom integrate into the research process? How could I embrace impatience and imperfection in the research process?  

In essence, the integration and interconnectedness of the arts inform the research process by generating questions about what knowledge is and how to know through using the hands and head to move the heart and mind.  

A common element of hand in the ancient words for head, hand, and heart.

Literature inspirations in this embodied, reflective, roller-coaster-ride-like, thought-provoking, arts-based experience: 

• Allen, P. (1995). Art is a way of knowing.  
• Bayles, D., Orland, T. (1993). Art and fear: Observations on the perils and rewards of artmaking. 
• Caldwell, C. (1996). Getting our bodies back: Recovery, healing and transformation through body-centered psychotherapy.
• Capacchione, L. (1979). The creative journal: The art of finding yourself.
• Nachmanovitch, S. (1990). Free play: The power of improvisation in life and the arts.